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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24361378">Entwined.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhoranFeels/pseuds/WhoranFeels'>WhoranFeels</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>One Direction (Band), satchy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abuse, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Domestic Violence, Drug Use, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Love, M/M, Minor Character Death, Non-Graphic Smut, Non-Graphic Violence, Overdosing, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Songfic, Therapy, Triggers, Wordcount: Over 10.000, niall hit harry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:07:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,348</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24361378</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhoranFeels/pseuds/WhoranFeels</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It was all he could think about, and maybe it was bad that his thoughts were entwined with Harry. That he was consumed by thoughts of his green eyes, or his pink lips, or his fucking stupidly cute dimple.</p><p> </p><p>Or the one where Niall goes to London to escape his demons, and Niall and his demons end up entwined with Harry.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Liam Payne/Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan/Harry Styles, Niall Horan/Original Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Entwined.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This book is centered around a lot of triggers. There's fluff here and there, but Niall gets triggered a lot through the story. </p><p>The story deals with the following: rape, self-harm, domestic abuse, depression, PTSD, anxiety, drug-use. </p><p>If any of these things trigger you, I would recommend that you not read this story.</p><p>Please take care of yourself.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>THIRD PERSON:</b>
</p><p>It hurts.</p><p>His little body remains glued to the floor as his senses slowly return to the only constant thing he knows and that is that it hurts.</p><p>Niall is aware <em>he</em> is speaking to him, but he can't quite comprehend what <em>he</em> is saying. All he can feel is <b>it</b>, and <b>it </b>hurts. He is still face down squished into the dark green carpet with his arse up in the air.</p><p>He can feel something drip.</p><p>It hurts.</p><p>"Get up." <em>He</em> snapped.</p><p>That Niall heard, and he rolls over and nearly vomits from the excruciating pain. His robe leaves him feeling exposed as he slowly returns back to the world he left only 15 minutes ago. He looks around the room for the one piece of garment that was supposed to protect him.</p><p>"...go without your underwear." <em>His </em>voice cuts back in, and this time Niall does vomit. He remembers the feeling of <em>him</em> in him.</p><p>He lies with his back on the carpet as he tries to comprehend what just happened. The sweet painted angels stare back at him, smiling.</p><p>
  <span class="u">Innocent. </span>
</p><p>He floats up to the ceiling to meet them.</p><p>"Stop it." He sneered. "Get the fuck up, your dad will be here."</p><p>His dad. Niall forgot about his dad.</p><p><em>His </em>arms wrapped around Niall's waist propelling him upwards causing him to cry out in pain. "Shut up, I didn't even go all the way."</p><p>Niall whimpered, afraid to look the man in the eyes.</p><p>"Here, I have something for you." <em>He</em> gave him an action figure. "It's Jesus, and He is always watching." Niall didn't know why, but he shudders as <em>he</em> rubs <em>his</em> hand up and down Niall's arm. "Today was a special day for your journey with the Lord. What happened here is between you, me and Him. If you tell anyone you will go to hell. Do you understand?"</p><p>"Yes sir." He just but whispers.</p><p>"Here," <em>he </em>hands him the toy and Niall takes it. "Happy birthday kid."</p><p>Niall was eight.</p><p>He didn't know any better.</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>
  <b>London,</b>
  <em> fucking,</em>
  <b> England. </b>
</p><p>Niall remembers the last 10 years, and all the hard work he put into getting himself here in London. He thought about going to Trinity, but he had to get out of Ireland and start fresh. Now that he was here, he knew he made the right choice.</p><p>Nervous didn't even begin to explain how he was feeling. He was staying in an apartment with three other lads in the same neighborhood as the school. He hadn't met them yet, but he knew their names were Liam, Louis, and Zayn. Liam and Louis were partners, which Niall appreciated because his gay arse couldn't live in a homophobic household.</p><p>Niall was lucky that he had his own room, he didn't think he could handle the embarrassment of sharing a room with a stranger. He had too many nightmares.</p><p>He rang the doorbell, and quickly ran his fingers through his hair just to ensure that he didn't look a hot mess. He did just get off a plane though, so hopefully no hard feelings.</p><p>"Hello?" A man with curly brown hair and green eyes answered. He was beautifully olive, and Niall could see his tattoos through his see-through black shirt. There was a cut on his lip that made him look dangerous. He looked down, and saw his painted fingernails.</p><p>So not straight, just the way I like them. He thought.</p><p>"I'm Niall."</p><p>"Oh, fuck, right? Lilo said you'd be here." <em>Lilo, who the fuck is Lilo? Am I in the right place? </em>"Come in! Come in!" He grabbed the bag that was in Niall's right hand, their fingers brushed upon one another. If this was a fucking fanfic there would have been sparks but this is real life so Niall flinched.</p><p>The curly-haired man didn't notice, and turned around. Niall followed, "who are you again? Are you Zayn?"</p><p>Harry laughed and Niall thought it was the most beautiful thing he had ever heard. "I'm Harry. I don't live here, but I'm friends with your flatmates. I live nearby with my parents." Harry stopped in what Niall could only assume was his room.</p><p>"Thanks for the help Harry." He sincerely meant it. "I'm going to take a nap, I'm a little tired."</p><p>"Yeah, of course. Though I hope you don't mind me asking, but I'm curious. Why London?" Harry asked.</p><p>Images of green carpets, angels and plastic Jesuses flashed into his mind, and he laughed. "I needed a fresh start."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>"Did you get your prescription?" This was the first question his father asked him as soon as he answered the phone. Not how was your flight? Not how is London? And definitely not how are your flatmates? Their lives were centered around Niall's therapy appointments, and medication.</p><p>"Not yet da, I just arrived." He sighed, he came to London so he didn't have to worry about that. "I still have some left over, my meds will be filled before this bottle runs out."</p><p>"Don't forget, you know what you're like when you're off them." He reminded him.</p><p>Niall didn't need a reminder, it was him who went through it. The pills cancelled out why he hated churches, green, and fucking plastic action figures. "Don't worry dad. I won't, and I have an appointment on Monday."</p><p>"You know me too well," he chuckles as he releases a sigh. He'd never tell Niall this, but letting him leave was the scariest thing he had ever done. He never understood why Niall had his nightmares and panic attacks, and some days he would disappear or wouldn't leave his bed. All he knew was that Niall was happier, and more content when he could manage his symptoms. "How are you?"</p><p>"I'm good da. I really like it here so far. My flat is close to the campus, and my room is pretty big." He answered, he could almost picture his father sitting in his favorite chair, drinking a beer.</p><p>"I'm happy to hear it son. I am happy that you are happy."</p><p>"I am dad. I promise."</p><p>There was a knock on the door that startled Niall, he almost jumped out of his seat.</p><p>"Hey! It's Harry. I heard you talking, I'm meeting the lads at Nandos. Would you like to join?" He asked.</p><p>Typically Niall would say no, he was a homebody through and through but he could imagine his father was looking at him. He knew there was only one right answer to prevent him from coming over here and dragging his arse back to depressing Mullingar.</p><p>"Sure Harry. I would love to. Give me a sec, I'm talking to me da."</p><p>"Bye Niall, I love you son." His father said, and hung up before Niall could even respond.</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>"HAZZY!" Harry blushed at the nickname which caused Niall to smile. He was so damn cute.</p><p>There were three boys sitting at the table exhubirating warm, gay, energy. There were two boys with brown hair cuddling, and Niall could only assume they were Liam and Louis or Lilo.</p><p>"Oh thank God you're here. I don't think I could have handled being a third wheel much longer." Niall laughed, and decided that this person was probably Zayn.</p><p>Niall didn't realized that the comment was directed at him until one of the other boys said, "yeah now two people will listen to me and Liam have rough, hard, passionate sex all night long." So this was Louis, and the other lad was Liam.</p><p>"Is it too late to get my deposit back?" Niall jokes, and they all laugh.</p><p>"This is Niall." Harry introduces. Niall smiled, he was a little embarrassed to have all this attention on him. He'd rather be asleep right now. "This is Louis, Liam and Zayn." They all waved when their names were called.</p><p>"Wait! You have an accent!" Louis squeaks. "Where are you from?"</p><p>"Mullingar...Ireland." He replied slowly. He knew that his accent would bring up a lot of questions, but if Niall was being honest he didn't want to think about Ireland anymore today.</p><p>"Mullingar. Hot." Niall swore Harry whispered, but he wasn't so sure. Harry's attention was mainly facing Zayn, so he wasn't sure if he imagined it or not.</p><p>"Sit down," Liam said. "Let's eat, I am fucking hungry."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>
  <em>Beep. Beep. Beep. </em>
</p><p>Fuck this fucking shit is all Niall can think. It is fucking 8 in the morning, but Niall had to wake up early to take his meds. He didn't understand why he decided 8 would be a good time for a university student.</p><p>He grabbed the bottle off the side of his desk.</p><p>Fuck...</p><p>He had only one more pill left, he had to get to the chemist and quick.</p><p>He popped the pill into his mouth, and quickly put on a hoodie and sweats. He ran down the stairs to avoid any of the boys. He liked the boys. A lot, especially Harry, but he didn't want them to ask him questions about where he was going.</p><p>The chemist was located down the street. It was a quick in and out, and Niall was gratefully. It was too early in the morning for this, and he quite frankly didn't feel like being responsible.</p><p>Niall was tired of medicating to get his brain to work right, but tomorrow was his first day of classes. He didn't want to jeopardize his opportunity for friendship by acting crazy. So he listened to his father, his mother and his doctor and he took his meds.</p><p>He returned back to the flat with the pill bottle hidden away in his pocket.</p><p>"Dick appointment Niall?" Louis asks as soon as he enters.</p><p>He just laughs because his outfit plus sneaking in made it looking like he was coming back after a Grindr date. In reality, he was trying to maintain his sanity without being outed as insane. Niall ignored the hurt look in Harry's eyes as he sat at the bar. "Ready for our class tomorrow Harry?"</p><p>That's fucking right. The universe blessed Niall with Harry's presence in his first class. It was comforting as well as nerve wracking because he didn't want to embarrass himself in front of Harry but he is glad that there will be a familiar face there.</p><p>"Yes sir." He responded.</p><p>"Do you ever go home?" Niall asked, kinda joking. He has only been here three days and two nights but he's never seen Harry leave.</p><p>"Only when I need to." He laughed. "You don't like me around?" He was joking but there was a hint of sincere worry in his voice.</p><p>"I like having you around Harry."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>
  <em>Touch. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Touch.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Touch.</em>
</p><p>That was the lads' love language, and Niall didn't mind, but it certainly was not his. Unless it was a certain boy who spoke slow, and smiled a lot. Niall wished he could be as happy as Harry.</p><p>Sometime after Harry and Niall start watching a movie on the couch, they fall asleep. <b>Entwined</b>. </p><p>Like today.</p><p>If Zayn wasn't so fucking oblivious he would have taken out his phone, and took a picture at the blossoming Narry romance, but he was too wrapped up in the future to appreciate the now.</p><p>He jumped on Narry waking them up. Niall just about peed his pants at the sudden commotion. He could feel his skin crawl. Images of green carpets, angels and plastic Jesuses flashed into his mind, for a minute he was back there. He moved away from where he was sitting, and made sure his skin did not touch anything that was not his.</p><p>Zayn was laughing while Harry slowly awoke from his slumber. "Not fucking funny Zayn."</p><p>Zayn stopped laughing, but there was still a smile on his face. "I'm sorry, but I had to scold Niall."</p><p>"Why?" Niall was worried. He hadn't said anything, he didn't tell anyone, why was he getting scolded. He didn't want it to happen again. He took a deep breath and whispered to himself, "you're in London. You're safe."</p><p>"Safe?" Harry repeated.</p><p>He was cut off by Zayn which Niall was thankful for, "it's your birthday Friday and you didn't tell anyone!"</p><p>"I don't like my birthday." Niall really didn't want to elaborate.</p><p>"Why not? We have to party! That's the whole reason."</p><p>Before he could respond to Zayn, Louis and Liam entered the room. "Party? We're having a party?"</p><p>"NO!" Niall shouted at the same time that Zayn said yes.</p><p>"It's his fucking birthday Friday, and he didn't say anything." Zayn explained.</p><p>"I don't like my birthday. It just means one day closer to death, and I don't think that's something worth celebrating. Birthdays hold nothing but bad energy." He explained, and that was all he could say right now.</p><p>"We're having a party." Louis responded.</p><p>"You can have a party, but it's not going to be my party." Niall compromised because he knew there was no way to get around it. "How'd you even know it was going to be my birthday. I didn't want anyone to know."</p><p>"FaceBook Bitch."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Monday = Therapy.</p><p>Niall had discovered at 14 that his pills didn't work well unless he went to therapy. He never told his therapist much, but they worked together to discover new coping mechanisms and make sure that his medication was helping him and not hurting him.</p><p>He liked his new therapist, mainly they talked about his transition from Mullingar to London, college to uni. Though from time to time she tried to pry into more about his past.</p><p>He always told her that the past was the past and he had dealt with it and didn't need her help.</p><p>She loved to push.</p><p>His diagnosis is depression, anxiety, and PTSD. It is not wrong, but Niall was too afraid to speak about what happened to him. They believed he was traumatized as a child because his parents fought a lot, and then his mother moved to London and forgot him in Mullingar.</p><p>The diagnosis is correct, the explanation is not, but there is no point in clarifying when the treatment works regardless.</p><p>"How is your social transition? Are you making friends?" She asked.</p><p>Niall smiled, he wasn't sure how to answer this. Can you call your flatmates your friends, and is it embarrassing if your only friends are your flatmates? Niall decided it was okay, "my friends are throwing me a birthday party."</p><p>"Why don't you seem excited?" She asked.</p><p>He sighed. "I don't want them to, and I told them not to."</p><p>"Why not? Isn't it a nice thing?" Madison asked, enthusiasm bleeding through her voice.</p><p>"Birthdays are bad memories."</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>"Can we talk about Harry instead." Niall deflected, she knew that she loved the gays.</p><p>She nodded her head to allow me to go on.</p><p>"Harry makes me feel secure." Niall took a deep breath and admitted something he hadn't even admitted to himself, "I think I could <b>entwine</b> my soul with his."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Friday arrives.</p><p>Niall didn't know what to expect. He'd never been to a party before, nonetheless one that was lowkey in his honor despite his protest. The only thing he could do is call his father.</p><p>"Two calls on your birthday. Are you okay Nialler?"</p><p>"Nervous. My flatmates are throwing me a party." Bobby laughed a wholehearted laugh. "It's not funny da."</p><p>"I'm sorry, I'm just trying to picture you at a party." He continued to laugh.</p><p>"I'm going to have a panic attack." Niall confessed, and he was not over exaggerating.</p><p>Bobby reassessed his initial reaction, and stopped laughing. "Niall James Horan, it is your fucking birthday. Have fun, be a teen, live your life. You are too bright and beautiful to let yourself be locked in your room. Find <em>love</em>."</p><p>"I think, no I know I like Harry." Bobby knew how to distract Niall from the negative feelings that swarmed inside him like bees in a colony, and he was able to harvest sweet moments like honey. "I like him a lot though it's complicated though because we're all friends, and I'm know I'll mess it up."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>The party was actually fun. They didn't sing happy birthday to him, but he met some new people who were really cool.</p><p>The highlight of Niall's night was the hours he spent on the deck talking to Harry about everything. It was so natural, and so magical at the same time.</p><p>Harry pointed out the constellations, and where the north star was.</p><p>Niall rolled a joint, and they listened to their favorite music.</p><p>Harry walked with him to the store to get the best strawberries he could find because only the best strawberries for a strawberry milkshakes.</p><p>Niall made them strawberry milkshakes.</p><p>If Niall wasn't so fucked up in the head he would have said he fell in love with Harry that night. The smooth jazz of So Nice by Satchy lulled them to sleep as they laid <b>entwined</b> under the stars. </p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Two weeks go by.</p><p>The leaves start to fall.</p><p>Surprisingly there is still some warmth left, but he knows that the notorious clouds of England will take over soon.</p><p>Every weekend there was a party, a concert, a dinner, something for him to enjoy. He was happy because he got a chance to be with people who know the real him. They didn't see his illness, they saw his beauty, and he felt the warmth of their love and didn't realise how much he had missed out in life.</p><p>He was fucking normal for once in his life.</p><p>He only worried about his grades, and his crush on Harry.</p><p>Harry was going to be the death of him, Niall is almost sure of it. The way he made him feel, no one had ever made him feel that way before. He just can't explain it.</p><p>The next time Niall saw Harry there was a bruise on his chin, it was barely noticeable but Niall knew every detail about Harry's face. Every freckle, every spot, every fallen eyelash. He slowly brought his hand to Harry's face causing him to sharply inhale. Niall liked the effect he had on Harry.</p><p>"Are you okay Haz?"</p><p>Harry laughed, "I hoped you wouldn't notice. I'm a klutz, and fell."</p><p>Niall knew he was lying, but didn't press. He knew not to pressure Harry, but he needed a better answer than that. "Are you okay though?"</p><p>Harry smiled. It was sad, and Niall knew it but that was the only answer he was going to get.</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>"I just don't understand why the LGBT people want to destroy the foundation of our country. They keep tainting the media demanding more representation, but we don't want their lifestyle shoved down our throats."</p><p>Niall looked at Harry in disbelief. He really could not believe that in this decade his peers could still be so fucking ignorant. Normally Niall didn't speak in class, but this conversation just shook him to his core.</p><p>Niall knew that he would be a different person if he had had role models like him growing up.</p><p>"I remember when I could watch a movie about a normal family who---"</p><p>"What are your qualifications for a normal family?" Niall spat out with so much venom he didn't even realise it was his voice.</p><p>"The father at the head of the household, the mother managing it and the children obeying it." He answered.</p><p>Niall laughed, it was cold and rough. "How many people come from a family that he describes, and be honest." 25% of the students raised their hands.</p><p>"If 75% of the class's family is dysfunctional by your standards, wouldn't that mean that your definition of normal is really abnormal?"</p><p>"No. Y'all aren't normal."</p><p>"How many people's parents are divorced?" Niall raised his hand, as well as 60% of the class. "Raise your hand if they were never married." 10% of the class. "How many were adopted?" 5% of the class raised their hand, along with Harry which shocked Niall. "How many people wish their parents would get a divorce?" 15% of the first 25% raised their hands.</p><p>"It is damaging for a kid to be raised in an unhappy straight household, not an LGBTQ+ one. I was sad when my parents divorced, but they're better for it and I am too." The dick was about to add more, but Niall was not done. "So the LGBTQIA+ community demands representation so people can understand that we are human, and we deserve to have everything that a straight couple gets. They get to see their loved ones when they're dying and hold them in their arms, no questions asked. Everywhere in the world they can get to get married with no hiccups because people support their marriage. When they are ready to grow their family, they have a better opportunity then a same-sex or polyamorous or any other idenity."</p><p>"The legalisation of same-sex marriage will lead to the legalisation of polygamy." He retaliated,</p><p>Niall laughed, "I sure hope it does. I would love to have two or maybe three husbands ramming their dicks into me. Lifes too short for just one option." Niall didn't really want more than one husband, he can barely handle the battle going on inside his brain nonetheless being able to support another person in the way that they deserve. </p><p>His opponent scoffed with disgust, "your opinions are invalid because you are biased."</p><p>"Are you straight?"</p><p>"Of course, I'm not an animal."</p><p>"How can you speak on the rights that LGBTQIA+ people deserve if you're straight?" He replied sarcastically. "You can, and your opinions are listened to, not because what you believe is right but because it is a right that we all have as members of this society. A right that even a white cis-male like you cannot take from those who are different. I'm gay, it doesn't mean I don't deserve love or happiness."</p><p>"Nice work, Niall. You should speak more in class. Let's move on." The professor noted.</p><p>Niall forgot for a minute where he was, it was unusual for him to be talking this much in class. He looked over at Harry, he couldn't tell what the expression was on his face. He just hoped he wasn't embarrassed by Niall's polyamorus declaration. That was all Niall could think about, that Harry was embarrassed by him. Harry noticed Niall staring, so he flashed him a smile that made Niall feel secured in a way that Harry only could.</p><p>After class they walked back to the flat together, side by side, in sync and in silence.</p><p>"I admire you Niall." Harry admitted after a moment.</p><p>Niall scoffed in disbelief, no one had ever admired him. He was a bit too fucked up to be admired, "I don't know what to say Harry."</p><p>"I'm sorry if that was odd, and was over the line. I just--- I really had to say it." He explained, and Niall felt butterflies burst in his stomach. He never felt this way about anyone, and to say he wasn't scared would be lying.</p><p>Niall knows what he needs, and what he needs or wants (Niall can't decipher between the two), he's never had before. He wants to hold Harry's hand as they walk down the street, and brush the hair from his eyes as he sleeps. He needs to kiss him everyday, and make sweet love to him. He can't help but dream of them perfectly <b>entwined</b>. He wants to fall in love with Harry, and that is scary.</p><p>Niall wasn't necessarily a virgin, but his first time loved him for all the wrong reasons. Niall hated <em>him</em>, and most importantly he feared <em>him</em>. He looked at Harry in the eyes, he didn't realize that he had stopped and was staring at him. Harry looked nervous, scared that Niall was about to hit him.</p><p>Niall chuckled "do you want to go to Southend with me?"</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Niall's mom had a place in Southend.</p><p>He had only been there three times, but he remembers loving the view from the Cliff Lift, and he wanted to take Harry there. He didn't know how, or why Harry agreed but he did and it made him happy. </p><p>
  <em>Harry. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Harry. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Harry. </em>
</p><p>It was all he could think about, and maybe it was bad that his thoughts were <b>entwined </b>with Harry. That he was consumed by thoughts of his green eyes, or his pink lips, or his fucking stupidly cute dimple.</p><p>
  <em>Harry. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Harry. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Harry. </em>
</p><p>It was all Harry. </p><p>Niall was in London, not to escape his demons, but to get to Harry.</p><p>With Harry he felt safe. He could take his pills without being asked questions, he could laugh out loud without feeling self-conscious, he could say what he was thinking in the moment and not be judged harshly.</p><p>Harry made him feel loved, and he wanted love.</p><p>"What are you thinking about?" Harry asked.</p><p>Niall had almost fallen asleep, but was brought back by the hum of Harry's voice as Harry played with Niall's hair. "I'm thinking about you."</p><p>"Me?" Harry laughed, as if it was unbelievable that Niall would ever think of him, and he hoped it was the way that he thought of Niall.</p><p>"Of course."</p><p>"What about?" Harry asked almost hesitantly.</p><p>"I think I'm starting to fall for you...hard...real fucking hard." Niall admitted, he didn't want to lie to Harry about how he was feeling. He scooched up from where he was laying so that way he could get a clearer look at Harry, and see what he was thinking. "I don't want you to think that---"</p><p>Harry's lips came crashing down on Niall's and Niall felt at home.</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Images of green carpets, angels and plastic Jesuses flashed into his mind.</p><p>Not now he thinks. Not now when everything is so good.</p><p>On this early morning Niall could not focus on the warmth of his lover's body or the feeling of his arm upon his waist as they slept. He couldn't stay until the morning and be awoken by soft kisses on his eyes.</p><p>Niall leaves his bed, careful not to bother a sleeping Harry.</p><p>Harry and him had been together for only two weeks, but Niall knew he did not want to do anything to jeopardize their relationship.</p><p>Just a couple of hours ago they were talking like they always do, <b>entwined</b>. Mainly about nothing of importance, but Harry had to ask, and he felt that then was as good enough as any to do it.</p><p>"Niall, I've been thinking about this for a while. What did you mean when you said you were safe in London? I know you were speaking to yourself, but I heard you, and I'm curious." He explained.</p><p>Niall closed his eyes, as if it would make this moment any less real. "If it's all the same to you, I'd rather not talk about it."</p><p>Harry nodded, "I want you to know that you're safe here with me."</p><p>Harry didn't know what he was doing when he said those words. They were innocent, and they were meant to reassure him, but if anything they made him more scared. Niall didn't even remember until Harry said it.</p><p>Those were the words <em>he</em> said, every time it happened.</p><p>
  <em>YOU'RE SAFE HERE WITH ME. </em>
</p><p>So now all Niall can feel is the carpet burn, the dripping between his legs, and the shame.</p><p>It hurts.</p><p>Green carpets, angels and plastic Jesuses.</p><p>Before he knows it he's on the doorsteps of the last person he ever planned to visit in London.</p><p>"Niall?" She asked.</p><p>Niall can barely stand as he collapses into her arms, "mum."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>It's been three days, and the nightmares won't fucking stop.</p><p>The memories were eating Niall alive and he couldn't fight back anymore.</p><p>He wanted to push through, and to be okay and return to Harry. The more he stayed here the more impossible it seemed to become.</p><p><em>He </em>is always here.</p><p>Haunting.</p><p>Niall can feel the indents of <em>his</em> fingers where he held Niall's hips, he can still feel <em>him</em> shoving <em>himself </em>down his throat and the vomit that soon followed. He can still hear the songs of pleasure that escaped <em>his</em> mouth. He can feel <em>him</em> as <em>he</em> starts to spasm, and release.</p><p><em>He</em> is inside him, always.</p><p>Niall can't stop crying. Niall can't do anything.</p><p>On day five his mother threw a buck of cold water on him. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO NIALL?"</p><p>"Please leave me to die."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>The dosage to his antidepressants goes up, and three days later he's back to feeling kind of normal. Except this time his showers are hotter and longer as he tries to clean away the dirtiness that has stained his body since he was eight years old.</p><p>His hair is getting thinner in the back because he can't stop pulling it. He knows he shouldn't, because <em>he</em> would pull his hair when<em> he</em> was fucking Niall. He remembers that time he shaved his head, and <em>he</em> got so mad at him that <em>he</em> fucked him so hard he passed out. That was the first time <em>he</em> had fucked him that hard, and it wasn't the last. So Niall pulls his hair to remind himself that it is there to protect him from every getting to that point again.</p><p>His arms are littered with scars. He can't stop picking away at the feeling of <em>him</em>.</p><p>Niall kept his promise after all these years, he never told anyone what happened. It scared Niall the hold that this <em>creature</em> had over his life. <em>He</em> could find him at any time, and do it all over again.</p><p>He's in London now. He should be okay.</p><p>He can't let go, and he doesn't know why.</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>"Have you been taking your pills?" Madison asks at our next session after the breakdown.</p><p>Niall nods lazily, not wanting to talk about his problems anymore. He just wanted to go back to his flat, with his mates, and become <b>entwined </b>with Harry again.</p><p>"Do you want to talk about what happened?"</p><p>"That's exactly what I don't want to do." Niall responded.</p><p>She just nods, readjusting herself. "Have you been getting enough sleep?"</p><p>"Yeah," He lied, "I think this all happened cause I was stressed."</p><p>"Stressed about what?"</p><p>Niall sighed, "Harry is my boyfriend, or he was? I don't know anymore. I haven't talked to him since I left him..."</p><p>"Does Harry still make you feel secured?"</p><p>"Yes, he does. I feel more safe with him, than with anyone."</p><p>"Niall," she leans forward. "I think it's time for us to talk about why you're here."</p><p>"You already know, so what's the point?" He asked. What she knew was a lie, but it was to protect Niall's soul.</p><p>"The week of your birthday you said that birthdays are bad memories."</p><p><em>Fuck</em>, Niall had slipped up badly and he didn't even remember.</p><p>"I don't think you've been honest with the people in your life, or yourself. Why are birthdays bad Niall?" He didn't respond, he didn't look up, he just tried to breathe. "You're safe here with me."</p><p>There is a moment of silence before Niall whispers, "<em>The Rapist.</em>" It is mainly to himself, but he knows she heard. A flip had switched in Niall's head, triggered by those five fucking words again</p><p>"What?" She asked, he didn't respond. "Niall. I am here to listen."</p><p>"Therapist...The Rapist." He answered. "It's just an interesting coincidence that the only difference between the two words is a space."</p><p>"The rapist? Why did that come to your mind Niall? I want to help you."</p><p>He laughed almost sadistically. Almost like <em>him</em>. Niall never heard himself like this, and it scared him. "This session is over." He got up from my seat and ran out the door, he almost left and then he remembered his mum was here. She was supposed to talk to Madison by request of his father. "Mum. We're leaving."</p><p>"Niall! Wait!" Madison shouted after him.</p><p>"No! I will not wait! Fuck you! I don't want to talk to you! YOU'RE TOO FUCKING CLOSE TO <em>HIM</em>!" He screamed at her. That was more than Niall was willing to admit, why did he say that in front of his mom? To Madison. He knows his father is going to find out, and that's the last person he wants finding out.</p><p>"Niall, what's going on?" Mum asked.</p><p>"Nothing. We just got to go." She looked unsure. "Please." He pleaded and she nodded.</p><p>Niall was afraid that he was going to go to hell, they know too much.</p><p><em>He</em> would find him.</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>"Niall, what the fuck happened back there?" My mum asked.</p><p>Niall was conflicted, he never spends this much time with his mother. Not because he didn't love her, but because at age six she was in London and he was in Ireland. He only saw her on Easter, and a couple random weekends during the year. She had her own family, and she didn't need the drama and the baggage that Niall carried. "Madison is dumb," he explained, "she's young and thinks that every fucking person has a deep sob story that makes them fucked up. Unlucky for me, I'm just fucked up in the head with no legitimate reason."</p><p>She sighed, "Your father really liked her. He said you were adapting well to London, and that you had a boyfriend."</p><p>"I am adapting, but not because of her."</p><p>"Niall. We can't keep doing this. You were getting better." She explained.</p><p>"You're barely my mum, I don't think you get a say." Niall knew he had hurt her, but he didn't want to talk about this. Not anymore, he wanted to be <b>entwined</b> with Harry. "My fucked up brain isn't something you can just cure by talking."</p><p>"I know that, but your dad said she was helping you cope." She answered. "All of a sudden, out of nowhere you show up at my doorstep. I'm just confused Niall. She was helping you, what were you talking about?"</p><p>"She wasn't helping me." Niall replied. "No one can help me."</p><p>"Niall. Please just stick with her. It will get better." She put a hand on his leg, he almost vomited in her brand new Mercedes. "I am your mother, I know what is best for you."</p><p>"Stop touching me." He threw her hand off his leg, "I am who I am because of you. I'm fucked up because of you. It's your fault I was there in the first place. I'm never listening to you again." Once again Niall said more than he wanted to say.</p><p>"I don't understand what you mean Niall. Where were you? What did I do to make you like this?" Niall could see the tears start to well in her eyes.</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I was just upset." He explained. "I'm mad that I was born fucked up in the head."</p><p>Other people don't have to shove pills down their throat to make them normal. What is normal anyway? Who said that the only way to be normal was to be numb? He didn't want the pills anymore. He was unable to love Harry in the way that he deserved to be when he was on his pills.</p><p>He decided to stop taking his pills.</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Niall returned back to his flat that evening. It had been a week and a half, and he didn't know what he was going to do about his education nonetheless the boys who he had abandoned without a trace. He opened the door, hoping he would be able to slip in but they were all there waiting for him.</p><p>"Niall!" Harry exclaimed. "You're okay." He almost whispers, he didn't understand why Niall disappeared.</p><p>"You're not welcome here anymore," Louis sassed.</p><p>"I understand, I'll be out of here by tomorrow morning." Niall stole a glance at Harry and he almost cried. He was pale, and he had two bruises on his face that were slowly fading. Niall wanted desperately to kiss his bruises away.</p><p>"Louis," Niall almost melted as Harry's voice enveloped him in warmth. "I want to talk to him."</p><p>"I want to talk to you too." Niall needed to explain to Harry that he needed him. Harry nodded and started to walk up the stairs. Niall tried to ignore the dirty looks that the other lads gave him. He understood, he had hurt their friend. He left without a trace after telling their best friend he was falling for him.</p><p>"I'm sorry Harry." Niall apologized as soon as they entered the room.</p><p>"Did I do something wrong?" Harry asked, he looked so small with his arms wrapped around his body.</p><p>"No, never." Niall couldn't even believe that he thought that. "I am not okay." Harry looked at him like a confused puppy. "I'm not making sense, I take pills to make myself better, but sometimes those pills don't work."</p><p>"What are the pills for?"</p><p>"We all have our demons Harry, and mine made it impossible to stay. It wasn't because of you." Niall moved closer to Harry, he needed to be close to him again. "Everything right now is confusing for me, but I know that I need you Harry." He took another step closer, and grabbed his hand. "I feel safe with you Harry. You told me I was safe with you, and I know that. This is gonna sound weird, but I don't need you to say that I'm safe with you. I know I am."</p><p>"I don't get it Niall, you're not making any fucking sense to me. You left cause you feel safe with me?" He pulled his hand away from him, and it took a lot for Niall not to breakdown and cry right there.</p><p>"I know it doesn't make sense, but it is all I can offer you." Niall answered.</p><p>"Niall," his voice was breaking as he mustered up the courage to say, "I think I need more. I think I deserve more." He sighed a breath of relief. </p><p>"I need you though." Niall felt like he was getting kicked in the face, he knew that it was a possibility that Harry wouldn't accept him back but he hoped for the best.</p><p>Harry laughed, "you needed me so much you left."</p><p>"I have never been in a relationship before." Niall answered honestly. "I'm scared, I'm confused and I didn't know how to cope. I have never felt this before in my life. I have never felt comfortable enough to let all of me be <b>entwined</b> with someone, and I have never felt the desire to fall in love and have someone love me back. That is until you. I want to be the man that you deserve, and I will work hard to be that man, just tell me what you need."</p><p>Harry could feel himself starting to give in. "I need you to communicate more." Harry explained. "I know you have your boundaries, but when you feel scared I need you to tell me. You are the first for me too. I have never felt this way about anyone, and so when you left without your phone, without your keys, and without saying anything it felt like the world came crashing down. I was so fucking scared for you, I thought something bad had happened but the administration told me you were fine."</p><p>"I went to my mum's place."</p><p>"I looked for you at Southend. Did you go back to Ireland?" Harry asked.</p><p>"She lives here in London," Niall clarified and he could see the shocked look on Harry's face because Niall didn't talk about her much.</p><p>"Why did you go?"</p><p>Niall bit his lip so hard he drew blood. He didn't know how to explain it without sounding crazy. "Cause I don't want you to ever see me broken." Niall didn't even realize that he had said it until Harry responded.</p><p>"I want to see you broken." He told me. "I want to see you happy, sad, confused, fucked up. Niall I fucking want all of you." With the finality of his sentence, he bridged the gap between his and Niall's face and melted into the kiss he deeply desired. His hands found their way into Harry's hair as he succumbed to the closeness of it all. Harry's hands started to roam all over his torso, and Niall could feel his red hot fingertips playing with his left nipple.</p><p>Niall wanted this. He was surprised, he never wanted sex before. Definitely not with <em>him</em>, but not even with his exes Derek, or Dylan. He had sex with his exes, but it never felt like this. With Harry it felt natural, as if they were meant to be <b>entwined</b>. "Wait," he took a step back. "I want you, and I want this, but I want us to be okay. I don't want to do this if its not for the right reason. I don't want you to regret it afterwards."</p><p>Harry smiled at him, "I have wanted this and you for a long time. I want us to give this another go. I think I understand why you left, as long as we communicate our feelings better than I want to give this another shot."</p><p>"Thank you for taking me back."</p><p>"Before we proceed is there anything you don't like?" Niall smiled, because no one had ever asked him what he was comfortable with before. This moment here is another reason why Harry made him feel so safe. "I like pretty much everything vanilla, and I have some kinks we can talk about later. I mean in class you said you wanted a polyamorous relationship, I don't know if I am b---"</p><p>Niall cut him off, "I'm not poly. I just wanted to make a point."</p><p>Harry nodded, "Well is there something you want me to call you or not call you? Do or not do? I'm pretty good with my mouth I've been told."</p><p> Niall pecked his lip, as he started to unbutton Harry's shirt. "Everything is pretty much on the table for me, except bondage and hair pulling."</p><p>"Hair pulling?"</p><p>Niall nodded smiling up at him, and connected their lips together once more.</p><p>
  <em>Home. </em>
</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Niall was happy.</p><p>He felt warm <b>entwined</b> in Harry's embrace. He had missed his scent and his warmth. As he mindlessly traced Harry's tattoos there was something irking Niall in the back of his mind and it was the bruises on Harry's face, and his torso. Niall didn't understand where he got them, but he wanted to stop him from getting anymore.</p><p>"If you go any lower round three sounds like a possibility," Harry warned. Niall laughed at him, and kissed a bruise on his torso. Harry's breath hitched, "fuck Niall. Don't do that."</p><p>"Why do you keep getting them?" Niall asked, he moved from his position to straddle Harry. He wanted to look at him clearly. He leaned and kissed the yellow bruise under his eye.</p><p>"Steve."</p><p>"Steve, your---" Niall didn't finish his sentence. His fucking guardian. "I don't want you going back there."</p><p>"Niall, I have nowhere else to go."</p><p>"Stay, here, with me." He pleaded. "I know we only just got back together, but I don't want you going back there. I don't want you getting hurt."</p><p>"Niall, I don't want to impose."</p><p>"You won't, I want you here. You're here most of the time anyway, I think it's the right move." He rocked his hips back and forth, and he could feel Harry's naked semi rubbing against his hole. "Don't you?" He teased.</p><p>Harry moaned, "you want me for sex."</p><p>"No," he continued to grind down on him. "I just want you to know what the full package is." He laid a few kisses on Harry's neck, and whispered, "I want you to always be safe as you are here with me. You don't need Steve anymore, you have me." He brought his face closer to Harry, their noses touching as he took him in. "You have me."</p><p>"Fuck," Harry exclaimed. "I'm falling deeper, and deeper for you." He flipped them over.</p><p>Niall whispered, "sometimes I think you're not real, but a dream to help me cope."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>They were all too drunk to make it up the stairs after Bonfire night. Niall hadn't planned to get as drunk as he did, but with his new found freedom he could drink as much as he wanted and not think about the consequences.</p><p>No need to worry about mixing pills with alcohol.</p><p>Niall and Harry shared the bean bag couch in the corner,<b> entwined,</b> they were in their own world. Niall was overjoyed that the boys weren't mad at him anymore. They were content with him as long as Harry was happy. They were glad that because of Niall, Harry finally moved in with them and got away from Steve.</p><p>"Niall, who are you?" Louis asked.</p><p>Niall laughed so hard Harry could feel the way it rumbled through his body on his skin. "I've been here how long, and you forgot who I am?"</p><p>"No. It's just that we've been friends for awhile now. But I know very little about you." He explained, and Niall understood.</p><p>"Leave him alone Louis." Harry snapped, Harry knew more about Niall than anyone did, but that's because Harry made him want to be a better person.</p><p>Niall kissed Harry on the cheek, "it's fine babe. Honest." He turned his attention to Louis, "what do you want to know."</p><p>"Firstly, why the fuck did you not take us to Southend!!" Zayn yelled. Niall had almost forgotten he was here, he had been so quiet. It must suck being the third wheel to two couples.</p><p>Harry laughed at Zayn, and snuggled into Niall. He was grateful for that weekend, because it made his love with Niall possible. "That's easy, I was trying to woo Harry." He explained.</p><p>"Your family?" Liam asked.</p><p>"There's nothing special about my family really."</p><p>"C'mon Niall. Open up, don't be so reserved." Louis pushed.</p><p>Niall blushed lightly, and whispered to himself "you don't want me to open up. I can promise you that." Harry grabbed his hand, and rubbed his thumb up and down the back of his hand. "My parents split up when I was five. My brother Greg and I lived with my mum for a bit, but she got remarried and moved to London so we stayed in Mullingar with our dad. I lived there my whole life, and I only saw my mum on Easter and the occasional weekends in Southend. I came to London for school to start fresh, and it was the best thing I did for myself."</p><p>"I didn't know you had a brother." Louis said.</p><p>Niall shrugged, "we're not close. Our mum was very catholic, though I think her view changed when I came out. I'm not 100% sure if I am being honest. Anyway when we were younger she wanted us to be altar boys. I think when our mum left it really took a toll on us cause we were so young, now I don't really care but then I think I did. We both tried to become altar boys to make her happy, but by then he was too old to start. He hated me because he didn't get to be an altar boy, and I did. He felt that I was closer to our mum because of that, and unfortunately our brotherly relationship changed after that."</p><p>"You used to be an altar boy Niall?" Harry whispered into his ear. Niall nodded timidly, he didn't know why he said that. He could have just said that Greg was homophobic, which he was. "Tell me what you remember most about it."</p><p>Images of green carpets, angels and plastic Jesuses flashed into his mind, but Niall wasn't drunk enough to tell his boyfriend about that so instead he said "how much God hates gays."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Suddenly it all came back to Niall and he's awakened in a pool of sweat, perspiration still dripped down his face as he tried anxiously to control his breathing. No matter how many deep inhales he took, the air couldn't reach his lungs.</p><p>"Niall," he can hear Harry saying his name but it's all muffled and he can't see if he's imagining Harry there or not. Maybe Harry <em>was</em> a dream to help him cope.</p><p>The tears fell down his face, big and fat as he rocked himself back and forth.</p><p>Harry was scared for Niall, he knew he had his demons but he had never seen him like this. So weak, and so vulnerable. He didn't know what to do, he wanted to hold him and take away the pain.</p><p>"It was only just a dream, you're safe in London." Niall whispers but it felt all too real, and he can feel <em>his</em> touch and <em>him</em> in him and he can't escape that. Niall began to scream in agony as he tried desperately to punish himself. He was scratching and punching himself, he just needed to feel something that wasn't <em>him.</em> The voices in Niall's head taunted him.</p><p>
  <em>Gay boys get punished. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'm helping you get closer to God. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>You deserved it. </em>
</p><p>Niall screams again, slapping his ears as he tries desperately to stop the noise. "GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" He shouted, but the voices continued. All beginning to say the same thing.</p><p><em>You deserved it</em>.</p><p>"I deserved it." He whispered out brokenly, and Harry hurt. He could see that Niall was starting to come down, so he wrapped his arms around him. He wanted to protect him from doing more damage, but before he could whisper sweet nothings into Niall's ear he was falling to the ground.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck. </em>
</p><p>Niall hit Harry.</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Niall didn't know what to do, he had hit Harry. He didn't mean to, but it didn't make it any better. As soon as he recognized what he had done, he had apologized. The sound of his elbow connecting with Harry's nose brought him back to his sad reality.</p><p>"Harry, I'm sorry. I didn't know what I was doing."</p><p>"It's okay." Harry answered.</p><p>The lads had left them alone, but it took a lot of convincing. They knew what they had witnessed was not malicious, but Niall had hurt Harry. In his state of panic, he had hurt him and now Harry was bleeding.</p><p>"It's not okay, I fucking promised you you'd be safe here."</p><p>"I know, and I am." Harry held Niall's chin in his fingers. "You had a moment where you were not there, and it made you do things that I know you didn't mean to."</p><p>"Harry. I never wanted to be this person."</p><p>"I know."</p><p>Niall decided then that he never wanted to hit Harry again, and so he started taking his pills again.</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>"Da," it had been a couple weeks since Niall hit Harry, and everything flowed as it normally did. It seemed that everyone was over it, everyone except Niall. He couldn't wrap his mind around it. It was an out of body experience, he could feel himself hit Harry but he didn't mean to. He knew he wasn't in control of his reaction but he hurt the one person who he cared about the most. He hurt the boy  he thinks (knows) he loves.</p><p>"Niall," Bobby began after Niall didn't continue speaking. "Is everything alright?"</p><p>"I hit Harry." Niall was ashamed to say it, he didn't want his father to look at him differently. He couldn't handle his father looking at him differently.</p><p>Bobby inhaled deeply, he didn't expect this call. "I see."</p><p>"I'm so ashamed of myself. He forgave me, but I'm afraid I'm going to do it again. I don't want to do it again." Niall was almost whispering, Harry was in the room sleeping and he didn't want to wake his angel.</p><p>"What happened son?"</p><p>"I stopped taking my meds, and before you get on me I know what you're going to say. It's just I thought I was doing better, and I was tired of doing what other people wanted and I wanted to stop feeling bland cause all they do is make me feel numb and then I had a nightmare and he tried to hold me and I made him fucking bleed." Niall rambled, he wasn't sure if he was making sense. The whole situation didn't make sense to him, he doubted it did to his father.</p><p>"Did you do it on purpose Niall?"</p><p>"No dad. Of course not." Niall was upset that he would ask that, he started to raise his voice, but then he remembered that Harry was asleep in the room. "I couldn't handle being touched then."</p><p>"What does that mean Niall?" Bobby was concerned for his son. Madison had informed him that he stopped going to sessions after his last breakdown. He was talking about a rapist, and manipulation, and Bobby couldn't bear the idea of his son being touched in that way. What if it happened right under his nose, and he didn't protect him.</p><p>"I had a nightmare da, my brain was too fucked up and imbalanced to function properly." His dad didn't say anything, he was debating whether he should ask in the first place. He needed peace of mind. "Dad are you there?"</p><p>It brought Bobby back and he asked, "were you raped, Niall?"</p><p>The air got stuck in Niall's throat, he didn't know how to respond to that. Images of green carpets, angels and plastic flashed into his mind. He had been so careful hiding it all these years. Niall was flooded with relief at the idea that maybe <em>he </em>was exposed, and his dad was confirming with Niall that he had been fucked by <em>him</em>.  Niall dismissed the thought because <em>he</em> would never get caught,  "dad why would you say that?"</p><p>"I was talking to Madison---"</p><p>Niall cut him off, "fucking Madison. She doesn't know what she's talking about. That's why I stopped going."</p><p>"She said you were talking about <em>The Rapist</em>, and how she was like him? What did you mean by that?"</p><p>"I didn't mean anything by that," Niall explained. He was grasping at straws, not sure what he could say to save himself from hell, "Madison thinks that there's more to my PTSD. I was not raped. She just doesn't understand why an 18 year old kid is still traumatized by his mom leaving." Niall chuckled awkwardly, which seemed to put Bobby's mind at ease. "If it's all the same to you, I don't want to talk about this anymore."</p><p>"Niall, you know you can talk to me about anything."</p><p>"Yeah dad, I know. You would be the first to know if that had happened," he lied.</p><p>"Your mom's worried about you." He added.</p><p>"I bet she fucking is," he scoffed. "We live in the same city, she knows where I live. If she's concerned she can come see me."</p><p>"You wouldn't let her touch you."</p><p>"Well yeah da, we're not exactly the picture-perfect family. I don't know her." Niall explained, "I don't want to talk about this anymore dad. Let's be normal for five fucking minutes."</p><p>"Okay son," he sighed. "I can't wait to see you this Christmas."</p><p>"Me too dad."</p><p>"You should bring Harry." Bobby suggested.</p><p>Niall smiles, "I was going to ask you about that. He'll be alone this Christmas, and I want him with me but I wasn't sure if it was too soon."</p><p>"You like him Niall, a-fucking-lot. Ever since August it's been Harry this, Harry that." Bobby chuckled, and Niall joined. "Invite him, Greg and I would love to meet him."</p><p>"Greg." Niall rolled his eyes.</p><p>"He's your brother Niall. You should love each other unconditionally." Bobby explained for the umpteenth time.</p><p>"I do, I just don't like him." Greg was an-all around catholic. He hated it when Niall became an altar boy because he wasn't as devoted as he was. When Niall came out at 14 Greg never looked at him the same.</p><p>"Once he sees you with Harry he's going to forget his bigotry."</p><p>"I doubt that. He's a fucking arse." Niall paused for a moment, "I think I love Harry da."</p><p>Bobby grinned, he already knew that Niall loved Harry and he was glad he was finally seeing it too.</p><p>"Niall." It was Harry, and damn was his morning voice sexy.</p><p>"I got to go dad, I'll see you soon. Thanks for the talk, and I love you." Niall hurriedly said.</p><p>"I love you too son." With that he clicked the phone.</p><p>"Come back to bed." And Niall obeyed because his favorite place to be was <b>entwined</b> with Harry.</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>It was on the first day of December that Niall knew he loved Harry. It was a rare snowy day in London, and Harry was having the time of his life.</p><p>Niall didn't really like the cold, but he loved the way that Harry brightened up in the snow. His cheeks were flushed red from the harsh wind, and his eyes appeared to be a bright emerald in the light of the snow. Niall was lucky to have Harry, and he loved him.</p><p>He knew he was falling months ago, but now he knew that he loved him and he could never go back. He snuck up behind Harry and wrapped his arms around his waist, and Harry giggled. It was so fucking intoxicating, Niall wished he could freeze this moment in a frame and stay like this.</p><p>"Niall," he laughed even more. "What are you doing?"</p><p>"Pinch me, I think I'm dreaming. You cannot be real."</p><p>Harry laughed at him, "I'm real."</p><p>"Come spend Christmas in Ireland with me." Niall asked.</p><p>"Niall, you don't have to do that. I'm content spending it here." Harry said.</p><p>"You don't want to come?"</p><p>"I do, but don't you think it's a bit soon?" Harry wondered.</p><p>"No, I don't." Niall turned him around so he was facing him. He held onto Harry's hands tightly afraid that he would walk away if he let go. "I love you Harry. I want you to see where I grew up and meet my dad. I want you to spend every moment I can with you."</p><p>"You love me?" Harry gasped.</p><p>"I do," Niall stared down at his feet. "Does that scare you? Is it too soon?"</p><p>Harry kissed Niall more passionately then he'd ever kissed him before, "I love you too."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Christmas at the Horans was more magically than Harry could have ever imagined. It was just the five of them, but it was pure. Bobby was hilarious, and while Greg was not the most kind soul, his partner Denise was lovely. </p><p>"Harry, tell us a little more about yourself." Greg asked.</p><p>Harry was surprised, he didn't think that Greg would be interested in knowing more about him. Niall gave him a supportive squeeze under the table, and a smile. "I'm from Cheshire originally, but I've lived in London for the past six years. I'm studying English, I hope to be a teacher."</p><p>"Teacher," Greg scoffed. "That's not a good job."</p><p>"Shut up Greg." Niall snapped.</p><p>Harry smiled at Niall, but he didn't need him to protect him. He knew how to handle bullies like Greg. "It's not the best paying job, but I believe it is one of the most fulfilling. I had a difficult childhood, but I had some amazing teachers who made my life better. I was adopted, and Steve and Carla, they were not kind to me. My teachers made sure that I had a place to stay when it got too hard, and food to eat when I hadn't eaten in days. My teachers really supported me, and I would not be where I am now without them. The only way I can repay that debt is by being a teacher."</p><p>"That's very lovely, and admirable." Denise said.</p><p>"Thank you," Harry responded and Niall gave him a kiss on the cheek.</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>They laid together <b>entwined</b> in Niall's childhood bed. It was small, but they didn't need much to be content. Niall hummed as Harry played with his hair. For the first time in a while, Niall felt at peace in Ireland. Harry made him strong, and made him believe that he could overcome anything.</p><p>"Thank you for being here."</p><p>"There's no place I'd rather be." Harry answered.</p><p>"I'm sure you'd rather not be grilled by my homophobic brother." Niall jokes.</p><p>"Sure, I'd rather he wasn't homophobic, but you're here and I want to support you."</p><p>"I still can't believe you're real," Niall whispered as he traced the butterfly on Harry's stomach.</p><p>"I'm real."</p><p>Niall laughed, "I think I fell in love with you that one night we were high listening to Satchy."</p><p>"Really? You think you loved me then?"</p><p>"Of course," Niall kissed his collar bone. "You walked an extra mile to get good quality strawberries."</p><p>"Only the best for my baby." Harry kissed his head, and continued to gently caress Niall's loose locks.</p><p>"I love you so fucking much."</p><p>"I love you more."</p><p>Niall chuckled, "im-fucking-possible."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>It was at breakfast when Niall's life changed forever.</p><p>"Niall, Father Frank Connell passed away last night. The funeral is Saturday."</p><p>Niall couldn't fucking breathe.</p><p>Priest Frank Connell destroyed him, and just like that he was gone. Niall didn't know how to comprehend how he was feeling.</p><p>"Is that the priest that you were an altar boy for Ni?" Harry asked him. Niall nodded. "Are you okay?"</p><p>"Um," Niall just felt tense. He tried to shake it out, but he couldn't. "I need to be alone, I think, yeah, I need to be alone." Niall grabbed his phone off the counter and left the house. He didn't know where he was going, he just knew that he needed to get as far away as possible.</p><p><em>He</em> was gone.</p><p>Niall didn't know how to feel. Is it bad to feel relief that <em>he</em> is dead? Niall felt like a bad person. From 8-13 he wished that <em>he</em> had died, and now his prayers have been answered and he felt fucking sick.</p><p>He fell to the ground and let out a scream that he didn't know he had been holding on to. Maybe he had been holding onto it for the past ten years, and now he could finally breathe. Niall didn't know what to do, how to feel.</p><p>He vomited on the sidewalk, he felt disgusting and free at the same time.</p><p><em>Fuck</em>.</p><p>All this time he thought he was coping well, and now that <em>he</em> is gone he realised that he had been trying to fool himself.</p><p>He took out his phone and started calling her, "mum."</p><p>"Niall. I'm surprised to hear from you. Merry Christmas, did you get my gift?" She was shocked, Niall hadn't called her during the holidays since he was eight.</p><p>"Father Connell died." A sob escaped his throat, and he couldn't tell if it was genuine upset or relief.</p><p>"Baby, I am so sorry. I know you guys were closed."</p><p>Niall shivered remembering just how close <em>he</em> was, "I feel weird mum."</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>"I became an altar boy because I wanted to feel close to you while you were in London. I think it made me feel further away from you though, especially when I stopped going to church. You believe, I think, so tell me will I go to hell when I die mum?" That's what <em>he</em> said. <em>He </em>told Niall he would burn in hell forever.</p><p>"You are good Niall, and good people go to heaven."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Niall left the funeral feeling empty.</p><p>He only went to prove to himself that it was over, that <em>he</em> was really dead.</p><p>He knew everyone was walking on eggshells around him, and he hated it. He hated that <em>his </em>death affected him in the way that it did.</p><p>Niall should be out celebrating, but instead he's mourning the <em>creature</em> that ruined his life.</p><p>Niall was both grateful, and ungrateful that Harry was there. He loved Harry, and he made him feel safe but he felt so weak with him constantly watching over him.</p><p>"How are you?" Harry asked. He just snuggled into Harry's shoulder without saying anything. He had smoked a little weed earlier that day, and he was feeling a little tired. "I can smell you."</p><p>Niall giggled, "you gotta do what you gotta do."</p><p>Harry wrapped their fingers together, "I'm sorry this happened but I'm glad to be here to support you."</p><p>"I'm not." Niall whispered mainly to himself.</p><p>"You don't want me here?" Harry asked,</p><p>"No, fuck, no. Of course I do," Niall admitted.</p><p>"You're not sad <em>he</em>'s dead?"</p><p>"Yes...no...wait..." Niall took a deep breath to compose his thoughts. "Religion is complicated for me, my brother hates me because he's catholic and some of my worst memories are in this damn building." Images of green carpets, angels, and plastic Jesuses flashed into his mind.</p><p>"What memories Niall?"</p><p>"Let's not talk about it."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Niall didn't understand how it got there. He thought that it had disappeared forever along with his robe, but when Harry and Niall returned to his room there it was on his bed. A reminder of <em>him.</em></p><p>"What the fuck?" Harry picked it up giggling, "what's this Niall?"</p><p>Niall couldn't respond, he turned around and kept walking. He didn't want that, he never wanted it. "I don't want to, don't make me, I'm sorry." He mumbles as he unintelligently walks down the stairs. He can't see where's going, he just knows that he's leaving.</p><p>"Niall?" Harry was worried, Niall was scratching at his arms again.</p><p>Niall ignored him, "stop it. I don't want to go to hell."</p><p>"Babe, what are you talking about?" Harry grabbed his arm to keep him from leaving, he was confused. It was just a harmless toy. Why was his beautiful boy acting this way? Before Harry could register what was going on Niall took a swing at him. He hit him square in the jaw, and Harry fell down.</p><p>Harry couldn't believe what had just happened, this was the second time that Niall hit him. This time he aimed at him, it was not an accident. Bobby came into the room hearing all the commotion, "what the hell is going on here?"</p><p>Niall kept walking, he didn't look back. "I don't want to go to hell."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>It had been almost a week since Niall had disappeared, and Harry couldn't cope. He was about to head back to London for the remainder of classes, and he didn't know what to do about the boy that he loved dearly.</p><p>Sure he hit him, but he wasn't himself. Something changed in Niall.</p><p>Bobby and him had spent every waking hour looking for him. They didn't think he could get far with just his phone in the state that he was, but they were wrong.</p><p>The only contact they had had with him was when Niall texted to let his father know he was okay.</p><p>Each passing day made it seem more and more like they wouldn't find him.</p><p>The boys were mad at Harry because they didn't understand why he cared. Niall was bad, he hit him not once, but twice. He ditched him, not once, but twice (this time he left Harry alone in a foreign country).</p><p>Harry yelled at them because they didn't know what they were talking about. Their only use for him now was to let him know if Niall turned up in London.</p><p>Harry knew Niall, and he knew that Niall would never have hit him if he was in his right mind. He must have been off his meds again, or they need to be adjusted. He was saying some pretty scary stuff when he left.</p><p>It was all the fucking toy's fault.</p><p>Bobby saw how hard the death was on Niall, and thought it might be a good idea to give him back the gift Father Connell gave to Niall on his eighth birthday. Something inside Niall snapped when he saw it, he wasn't Niall anymore.</p><p>The last night that Harry was in Mullingar Bobby sat with Harry in the park, "I'm worried about my boy Harry."</p><p>"I'm worried about him too."</p><p>"I remember when he was a little boy. He used to be so happy, he played guitar and performed concerts with his brother." Bobby explained, "somewhere along the way he changed. The doctors say it is because of the divorce but the more time progressed, the more I learned, the more I questioned it."</p><p>"Niall doesn't know this, but I heard the conversation you had after the first time he hit me." Harry couldn't believe he was saying this, "you thought he was raped?"</p><p>"Yeah, I did but he said he wasn't." Bobby let out a shaky breath. "I'm worried."</p><p>"Ever since Niall moved to London he repeats to himself that he is safe. I think he left Ireland because he was running from something. I tried to figure out what it is he's running from, but he pushes me away anytime I try to get close to it" Harry told him, "I don't think he likes to be touched."</p><p>Bobby put a hand on Harry's shoulder in an effort to comfort him, "he's afraid to be touched unless he is touched by you. My relationship with Niall is different, and we show affection in other ways. I mean I grew up in a different time like we're men, we don't hug. I know now because Niall taught me that's an example of toxic masculinity, but I've never really hugged my boy or done anything of that sort which I regret now. I want to hug him so bad, and I can't believe that I didn't notice his affliction to touch until he started hitting you in his states."</p><p>"I know Niall, and I know that when he hits me, it's not because he wants to. We're going to get him through this."</p><p>"I'm glad you know that, and that you're here. Watching him with you inspires me to look for love. Not the hitting, but your intimacy with each other is so prevalent. Not like sex, I don't know what your sex life is like, Niall doesn't talk to me about that." Harry chuckled, and Bobby sighed out in relief. "Even if you are across the room from each other, it is like you both are <b>entwined</b>."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>When Niall woke up he was on a train to Galway. His hand fucking hurt like a bitch, but he deservered it. Little by little his memory started to come back to him.</p><p>He hit Harry.</p><p>
  <em>Again. </em>
</p><p>He felt like he was turning into <em>him</em>, so to punish himself he punched a brick wall 5 times, once for each year he spent with <em>him</em>.</p><p>He doesn't know how he ended up deciding to go to Galway. Niall always loved Galway, it brought him peace to be near water. That is what Niall needed, peace. It was winter, and the river was pretty much frozen over but Niall didn't care.</p><p>As soon as he arrived in Galway he found a bed and breakfast, and bought himself some clothing. He didn't plan on leaving Mullingar, leaving Harry...he was still wearing his funeral suit.</p><p>Niall wasn't crazy, he knew it wasn't practical to walk around with what he could only assume was a broken so he went to A&amp;E. While at A&amp;E he texted his father to let him know he was fine, and then he turned off his phone.</p><p>After Niall returned from the hospital he didn't know what the fuck to do. The pain from his arm was duller now, and Niall again could feel <em>him</em> tugging at his hair with one hand, and pinning down his tiny wrist with the other.</p><p>He needed to numb, so he lit up a blunt.</p><p>"Excuse me sir!" A man shouted at Niall. He turned around thinking it was security or something of the sorts, "I could smell you from here."</p><p>Niall chuckled, "is that a bad thing?"</p><p>"No, I've got something stronger if you want it."</p><p>Niall thought it was a sign from God. He knew he needed medicine to drown the memories out, and this is what He provided. "What do you have?"</p><p>"MDMA, LSD, Coke."</p><p>Niall smiled his first genuine smile in a while, "I'll take it all."</p><p>When Niall woke up the next morning, he felt fucking awful. He looked in the mirror, his hair was fucking shaved off and lilac. He had a tattoo on his wrist, and he didn't know what it was cause the bandages were still on and he couldn't remember getting it.</p><p>"Fuck," he groaned and snorted another line.</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Niall didn't really understand what was happening. He had lost all concept of time, and everything was blurry. Something was chasing him.</p><p>He could feel his legs running, but he didn't know where he was going.</p><p><em>He </em>was chasing him.</p><p>Niall thinks he might have done too many drugs tonight because instead of numbing the pain he felt, he could feel <em>his</em> ghost watching him. He had to get out, he had to escape.</p><p>Tears were blurring up his vision as his breath increased and not just because he was running more than he ever has in my life and he was drugged out of his mind but because the panic had set in.</p><p>
  <em>Am I dying?</em>
</p><p>He dropped to the ground and screamed, pulling his hair and scratching his arms. He tried to remember all the breathing techniques but it just went out the window. He couldn't see, he couldn't breathe and he couldn't feel. If this was not him dying, then Niall was afraid for what death would really look like.</p><p>"Hey!" Someone shouted. "Are you okay?"</p><p>"GET AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! DON'T HURT ME!!!" He shouted.</p><p>"I'm not going to hurt you." He promised. "I just want to help."</p><p>"YOU can't help me." He accused, pointing fingers and grabbing what little was left of his hair.</p><p>"Can you please tell me your name?" He asked.</p><p>"N-N-Niall." He whispered as he rocked back and forth. He was slowly coming down from his high.</p><p>"Do you have a phone? Someone to call when you need something?" He asked.</p><p>"My da. 999-9999." I whispered.</p><p>"Okay. Thank you." The man says, taking out his cellphone. He can distantly hear his dad's voice on the other side saying thank you over and over again.</p><p>The man brought him into the pub as they waited for Niall's dad to drive the two hours to Galway, but with the way he was speeding it took him a little over an hour. Before Niall knew it was being enveloped into strange arms, he had never hugged his father before. Not that he could remember, but his father was crying and Niall knew it was his fault. The least he could do was hug him back.</p><p>"Niall. I've been worried sick about you." He whimpered as he tried to pull me up, the touch reminded Niall of <em>him</em> the first time he tried to fuck him.</p><p>"Niall, if you want you can get into the car while I talk to this kind man." Niall followed his orders and went into the car. He watched as his father hugged the man and offered him money which the man politely declined.</p><p>Maybe there is good in this world.</p><p>"I didn't... I didn't... hit Harry... mean to." While Niall knew he had already reached the peak of his high, he was still disoriented and not making complete sense. "I'm sorry."</p><p>"I know NiNi, I know."</p><p>"I promise I'm a good person, I don't want hell!" Niall just about cried.</p><p>"Niall, what happened?" He shrugged as he tried to control the sobs that racked through his body. "Please talk to me." Bobby pleaded. "I want to understand."</p><p>"Father Connell..." He whispered as images of green carpets, angels, and plastic Jesuses flashed in his mind. "<em>He</em>..." Niall couldn't get the words out.</p><p>"What about <em>him</em> son?"</p><p>On his breath he uttered the words he never thought he'd say out loud, "<em>He</em> raped me."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Bobby pulled over on R339, the cars behind him were upset because there wasn't much room on the road for them to pass by him, but he couldn't drive. Not after what Niall had just said.</p><p>The car was silent, and the only noise was the hot air that circulated heavily through the car.</p><p>20 minutes must have passed before Niall spoke, "I'm sorry da."</p><p>"I'm sorry son. I should have protected you," Bobby sighed, he was disappointed in himself. How did he not know? He had begun to inspect that his son was raped, but he thought it was while he was away at uni? This happened when he was here in Ireland. "When?"</p><p>Niall chuckled a sad laugh, and he was grateful he was still high because it made the memories more bearable. "Eighth... birthday," he managed to spit out.</p><p>A moment of clarity hit Bobby, "the action figure of Jesus was to buy your silence." Bobby let out a broken sob, "I'm so sorry son." He ran his fingers through his hair, he wanted to ask more questions but he didn't want to trigger his son and have him run again.</p><p>Niall knew his father wanted to ask him questions, and so he said "ask me today...then never again."</p><p>Bobby wasn't dumb, he knew his son was on something. Niall's eyes were glazed over like he had smoked weed, and Bobby was fine with weed but Niall was mixing other drugs with it and that scared him.</p><p>Niall was having trouble forming complete sentences, his response was delayed, and he was rocking back and forth. If the situation had been different he probably would have scolded him for mixing drugs. "What are you on Ni?" He asked, "I don't know if I should ask you questions when you're like this."</p><p>Niall started pulling at hair. "Weed...MDMA...Coke...Alcohol. Out of my system."</p><p>"Fuck," Bobby signaled back into his lane. "I have to take you to the hospital."</p><p>"NO!" Niall shouted.</p><p>"I need to make sure that you're okay. Fuck Niall, why?"</p><p>Niall started banging his head on the window, and repeating "safe in hell." Bobby was worried, and started speeding faster than he ever had in his life.</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Niall knew where he was before he opened his eyes. He could feel the stiffly clean air, and he could hear the machine beeping. Niall couldn't remember the events of the night before. Niall always couldn't remember why he started mixing drugs in the first place. Niall couldn't remember if he wanted to die, or if he felt like he deserved to die.</p><p>Niall's eyes opened slowly, and he saw his dad, mum and brother.</p><p>"Ma, da. He's awake." Greg announced to the room, and to Niall's surprise he sounded happy.</p><p>"Water." Niall whispered out coarsely. All three of them rushed to give him water, "thank you."</p><p>"You've been out for three days," Maura says. Niall couldn't believe it, three fucking days of his life just disappeared.</p><p>"What happened?" He asked.</p><p>"You had mixed a lot of shit when da found you." Greg answered.</p><p>Bobby hadn't said a word yet, he didn't know what he could say to his son who he had failed so drastically.</p><p>"I'm sorry." Niall apologized sincerely.</p><p>"We're worried Niall." Maura sat down on his bed, careful not to touch him. She tried to do it in a way that Niall wouldn't notice, but he did.</p><p> He looked at her weird. The whole energy of the room was off to him. It was more than being hospitilsed after a drug bender. He couldn't put his finger on it until he looked down to his wrist to read his tattoo.</p><p><b>Entwined</b>.</p><p>"You know." He whispered, "you all know." No one disputed his claims. "I think I'm going to be sick," and Niall vomited into the sick pan his mum provided for him. "How?"</p><p>"You told me." Bobby responded, it was the first time he spoke. "You were pretty out of it, and rambling, but you told what happened when you were eight."</p><p>Niall felt another wave of sickness come over him, but he couldn't produce anything. He had fucked himself over, and now he was going to hell.</p><p>"What now?" Niall asked, he didn't really know how to navigate this. He didn't ever think he would have to, he had been so careful these past ten years.</p><p>"I don't want to scare you Niall." Maura answered, "we all want you to feel safe and comfortable before you make any decisions."</p><p>"He told me I would go to hell if I told anyone." Niall whispered more to himself than anyone else.</p><p>"You asked me on Boxing Day if you were going to hell," Maura started. "Do you remember what I told you?"</p><p>Niall nodded, "but I can't erase the fear."</p><p>"You are good Niall, and good people go to heaven. I will tell you that everyday if I have to," Maura responded. "Babe <em>he</em> took advantage of you, and none of what happened was your fault. It was mine." She couldn't help but feel as if this was her fault, Niall had once told her it was her fault. He became an altar boy to please her.</p><p>Niall shook his head, "it wasn't your fault. You didn't make <em>him</em> do it."</p><p>"Neither did you Niall." Greg added. "<em>He </em>is gone, you don't have to fear anything anymore. We're here to protect.</p><p>Niall felt the most support he has ever felt from his family, and was afraid that he would never feel it again. He knew he had to take advantage of the moment, "I was eight the first time it happened."</p><p>"You said the first time, did it happen more than once?" Bobby was scared for his answer.</p><p>"The last time it happened I was 13, almost 14" Niall wanted to close his eyes but he knew if he did he'd been transported back there and he wouldn't be able to continue. "Each time it happened it hurt, but on the last day, that's when it hurt the most. I think that's why <em>he</em> stopped, because I was bleeding more than I had ever bled before."</p><p>Bobby flinched at his son's words, "the impromptu church trip you took before you came out to me."</p><p>"I spent the weekend in the hospital, <em>he</em> said I was his son and so you were never called." He explained.</p><p>"How many times did he rape you?" Maura asked hesitantly. </p><p>Niall chuckled darkly, "I lost count. It was every other week at first, because <em>he</em> kept trying to enter me but it didn't work until I was nine. Each time after that, I never knew when <em>he</em> was going to do it again. I think <em>he</em> liked surprising me, because each time I thought I was safe <em>he</em> reminded me I wasn't. Maybe 70 or 80 times. The memories are all blurred together. I never said anything because <em>he</em> said I would go to hell if I said anything, and you can't protect me from hell."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Niall spent the past month home in Mullingar. Classes had started ages ago, but his parents and his professors thought it would best for him to continue his education remotely until he was ready to return to London. Luckily his bender resulted in an aversion to drugs and alcohol so he did not need rehab.</p><p>Niall hadn't spoken to Harry since he had hit him. He was scared to talk to him, he didn't know what he would say and if it would be the same.</p><p>Nothing was ever going to be the same, he knew this.</p><p>Even Greg was being nice to him, and his mother was staying in Ireland until he returned to London. He felt better then he had in ages, but all he wanted was to see Harry.</p><p>His father said that he should call him. He believed that everything would work out between Harry and Niall. He needed to apologize, but he didn't want to talk to Harry until he was face to face with him. </p><p>He needed to be prepared because Harry probably would not take him back. Maybe it would be because he hit him, or went M.I.A. or because he was damaged goods. Niall didn't know what the reason would be, but his hopes weren't up.</p><p>Maybe that's why he didn't call Harry, but there were moments where Niall ached because all he wanted was to be <b>entwined</b> with Harry again.</p><p>Niall was grateful for his family, and all the support they had provided him but he was ready to leave Ireland and put it all behind him.</p><p>Greg had asked Niall to meet him at Nandos before he left to go back to London. He's pretty sure the invitation was a product of his father, but he appreciated it nonetheless.</p><p>He sat down across from his brother, "fashionably late as always." Greg added.</p><p>He couldn't tell if he was joking so he decided to respond with, "sorry I am on gay time not straight time."</p><p>Greg laughed, and Niall's glad that he decided to go with a joke instead of getting defensive. "I'm glad we're getting a chance to do this before you leave, when do you leave?"</p><p>"Tomorrow in the early morning." Nial answered.</p><p>Greg nodded, "are you ready to order?" Niall nodded and they stood in line. "Y'know I'm digging the hair, it's different but it's a look."</p><p>"Thank Greg, I think that's the first time you've complimented me since I became an altar boy." Niall jokes, but Greg flinches.</p><p>"I'm sorry about that."</p><p>"Which part, being jealous and hating me for ten years or the part where Father Connell was a creep." Niall asked.</p><p>"Both," Greg sighed. "I am also sorry that I was terrible to you when you came out, and that I broke you and Derek up when you were 16."</p><p>Niall snapped his head back, "you broke Derek and I up. What the fuck did you do?"</p><p>Greg's face turned into one of pure shock, "you didn't know that." Niall shook his head vigorously no. "Well he was older than you, and I was worried he was going to make you do things you weren't ready for. Plus he was ugly and a dick I know now it wasn't my place but---"</p><p>Niall cut him off with a hug, "thanks for looking out for me."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Niall's hair was starting to grow, so he shaved it again and dyed it turquoise. He wasn't ready to grow his hair out again now that he had the freedom to control it</p><p>And Greg wasn't wrong, the shaved head was a look.</p><p>When Niall arrived back in London the energy was different than what he was expecting. There was an eeriness to the air. He whispered to himself "you're safe here in London," before he opened the door.</p><p>The lads were sitting in the common area, confused by who had entered the house.</p><p>"Hi lads," everyone was here but Harry.</p><p>"I like your hair." Zayn complimented.</p><p>"Thanks."</p><p>"Where have you been?" Liam asked.</p><p>"Back home in Mullingar," he sighed because he wasn't sure what they knew and what they didn't.</p><p>"Could have called. We were worried sick." Liam said.</p><p>"I'm going to tell y'all everything but I need to talk to Harry first."</p><p>"He's not here."</p><p>"I see that but where is he?" Niall demanded more than asked.</p><p>"Carla, Steve's wife died. He went home to pay respects for the weekend." Louis explained. Niall was honestly surprised that Louis was the one that told him his location, Louis is the most protective of Harry.</p><p>Niall turned so that way he could walk to Harry's old place, but the door snapped open revealing a bloody Harry. "What the fuck happened to you Harry? Are you okay?"</p><p>"Niall?" He asked, he thought for a minute he had died and gone to heaven but he felt the warmth of Niall's fingertips on his arm as he guided him to the stool.</p><p>"I'm sorry Harry, about everything I did." Niall apologized sincerely. "I-</p><p>"It doesn't matter, you're here now."</p><p>Niall shook his head, "it does matter and we'll talk about it all later. Now I need to take care of you but I had to apologize." Harry nodded, he understood completely. "What the fuck happened?"</p><p>"He's grieving." Harry didn't have to say who it was for Niall to know.</p><p>"I'm going to fucking kill him." He whispered under his breath.</p><p>"What Ni?" He asked.</p><p>"I'm going to fucking kill him Harry."</p><p>"I'm never going back. I promise, I'm going to stay here with you." Harry held Niall's head in between his hands forcing him to look at him. "And promise me you'll stay here with me."</p><p>"I promise."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Niall watched as Harry slept. He needed his rest after everything that had happened. He didn't know why Harry went there, and why the lads let him. He knows Harry has a kind soul that forgave him too, but he wished Harry was safer from harm.</p><p>Niall was going to keep Harry safe from harm.</p><p>Niall had missed being <b>entwined</b> with Harry and playing with his hair. It was longer now, and he liked the length.</p><p>Niall didn't realise that Harry had woken up from his sleep until he felt him tracing Niall's tattoo, "I like it a lot."</p><p>"Thanks babe."</p><p>They sat in silence for a minute, just drinking each other in.</p><p>"I don't know why I went to Steve's home." Harry admitted sadly, and seemingly out of the blue. "I didn't even like Carla all that much, but I felt like I owed it to her to help honor her because she is the one that decided to adopt me. She never helped me though while he was beating me. I knew he was going to beat me."</p><p>"Shh babe," Niall pressed a kiss to Harry's lips. "It's not your fault."</p><p>"It's weird, but I am grateful that I was adopted by them. Even though Steve would beat me whenever he was angry, or sad or bored I was given the opportunity to set permanent roots. I got to meet the lads, and I got to fall in love with you." Harry explained.</p><p>"I'm glad that I got to fall in love with you too." Niall declared.</p><p>"Can I tell you something," Niall nodded. "You might look at me differently."</p><p>"I am truly, madly, crazy, deeply in love with you Harry. There is nothing you could say that you keep me from loving you," Niall clarified.</p><p>"I think I went because maybe I wanted to get hurt," Harry whispered. "I know how to press his buttons, and I taunted him."</p><p>"Do you feel that way a lot Harry?" Niall was worried, he didn't like that someone as precious as Harry wanted to get hurt.</p><p>"Sometimes," he admitted. "I spent so many years believing that I deserved to be beaten. When it stopped happening I wanted to keep hurting. I'm scared to admit this but a part of me felt happy when you hit me."</p><p>Niall gasped, "it scares me to think of you wanting to get hurt, and that you liked when I hit you. I'm never going to hit you again. I want you to know that." Niall said sternly.</p><p>"I know, and I know that's not who you are." Harry explained, "I don't want to be beaten, but pain helps me feel."</p><p>"I know what you mean. When I'm in a state I'll start scratching or hitting myself to drown out how I'm really feeling."</p><p>"I know, and it scares me to watch you like that." Harry chuckled lightly, "maybe we're both a little fucked up in the head."</p><p>"I think we are." Niall laughed a little, "but we can help each other get better."</p><p>"It'll only work if you learn to stay," Harry replied. He wasn't going to let Niall get off that easily.</p><p>"I love you so much Harry." Niall stated. </p><p>Harry scoffed in disbelief, "why didn't you call? Why didn't you respond to my messages? I get that you needed space, but I wish I had known you were okay."</p><p>"I know and I am sorry." Niall apologized.</p><p>"Are you?" Harry questioned. Niall nodded his head, "your dad told me you were in the hospital. He didn't tell me why, but I would have come if you had wanted me there."</p><p>Niall's heart fluttered at the fact that Harry stayed in contact with his dad. He straightened himself up so that way he was facing Harry. "I want to be <b>entwined</b> with you, always."</p><p>"And I you," Harry replied almost instantly and Niall's heart melted.</p><p>"I have to be honest with you about everything because you deserve it." Harry looked worriedly at Niall. "You asked me after my first breakdown to be honest with you about how I'm feeling, and part of the reason that it has been so difficult is because of Priest Connell."</p><p>Harry cocked his head confused, what did he have to do with everything? "After <em>his </em>funeral I told you that that church held a lot of bad memories for me. It was in that church that <em>he...he</em> raped me." Niall was too afraid to look to see what Harry's reaction was to his revelation.</p><p>"When I was eight <em>he</em> tried to fuck me, but <em>he</em> was too big. <em>He</em> kept trying to fit in, and <em>he</em> succeeded when I was nine. <em>He</em> left me alone soon after that and I thought <em>he</em> was over it, but when I was ten <em>he</em> started to do it again. <em>He</em> didn't stop until <em>he</em> fucked me so hard I was hospitalized at 13."</p><p>Niall didn't realise how many tears had started falling, from not just his eyes but Harry's as well. Harry didn't like that Niall kept saying that <em>he</em> had fucked him, because <em>he</em> had not fucked Niall. Fucking is what you do with your Grindr date. <em>He </em>raped him, but he understood why Niall didn't want to keep saying rape.</p><p>"I hate bondage, and I hate hair pulling because of <em>him</em>. Those were things <em>he</em> liked, and I can't separate the two. I shaved my head when I was ten or eleven, and <em>he</em> hurt me really bad." Niall ran a hand over his shaved head. "I'm getting better now though."</p><p>There was silence for what seemed like hours. Harry could tell Niall wanted to say more, but he was lost. So Harry waited patiently for Niall to continue.</p><p>"The 'sessions' <em>he </em>held were to teach me how to get closer to God, and to help me defeat the gay that was bubbling inside of me. For the longest time I thought I was gay because of <em>him</em>." Niall chuckled but it wasn't from happiness, "I now know that that is not why I am gay, and that I deserve love and happiness despite the fact that I am gay but damn I was scared. I never felt safe with anyone until I met you.</p><p>"Before each session <em>he</em> would say that I was safe with <em>him</em>. That's why when you said it I freaked. I didn't remember that <em>he</em> had said those exact words to me until you did, and I got really fucking scared. I needed to seperate our moment from <em>him</em>.</p><p>"I didn't tell anyone about what he did until my dad picked me up drugged out in fucking Galway. I was hospitalized because I mixed a bunch of shit, and I slipped. <em>He</em> told me I would go to hell if I said anything, but <em>his</em> death set me free and suffocated me at the same time. <em>He </em>couldn't hurt me anymore, but I don't want to end up in hell with <em>him</em>.</p><p>"The toy my dad left for me, <em>he</em> gave to me on my eighth birthday after the first time. That is why I freaked out, and I am so sorry I hit you. You are always here for me, and you try to help me, and I repaid you by fucking hurting you."</p><p>Niall kind of sobbed, "I don't want to be that person, but I can become that person. You shouldn't be with a person who can become that person."</p><p>"Can I touch you Niall?" Harry just about whispered.</p><p>Niall nodded, he craved Harry's touch.</p><p>Harry lifted Niall's head with his thumb, "I know you Niall, and I know the person you are afraid to become. You are not that person."</p><p>Niall sobbed, and Harry wrapped his arm around him. "Thank you Harry."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>
  <b>Southend. </b>
</p><p>Niall was happy, happier than he'd ever been. It had been five months since he returned to London, and he was here with all his favorite people. It was finally summer time, and he could just relax with the people he loved the most.</p><p>Surprisingly even Greg and Denise were here, and he was grateful that he and his brother had patched up their relationship. His parents were glad for it to.</p><p>"Babe," Harry started tearing Niall from his thoughts. "What are you thinking about." He wrapped his arms around his waist and <b>entwined</b> his legs with his on the couch.</p><p>"I'm really happy Harry."</p><p>"Me too." He gave him a sweet kiss.</p><p>"AHH!" Louis screamed, Liam was chasing him. "LEAVE ME ALONE YOU DEMON!"</p><p>Harry and Niall laughed at the ridiculous antics of their best friends.</p><p>"ALL I FUCKING WANT IS FOR YOU TO PUT ON SUNSCREEN!" Liam yelled back.</p><p>"PUT ON THE SUNSCREEN!" Harry began cheering, and soon all of the lads but Louis were chanting for him to put on the sunscreen.</p><p>"Fine! I fucking will." He pouted, and the lads cheered in victory.</p><p>Zayn plopped down next to him, "thanks for bringing us."</p><p>"It's so nice being here with you."</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading. This is the first piece of fan fiction I have written in a long, long time. The pandemic led me here, and I was inspired to write this song after listening to So Nice by Satchy which I hope everyone listened to. It's also loosely based off Truly, Madly, Deeply; hence the title. </p><p>It was really nice to get a chance to write, and I hope whoever ends up reading this story enjoys it! </p><p>xoxo</p><p>f a n g i r l</p></blockquote></div></div>
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